propulsion | fade rift. inbox.

Dying sucks for everyone, man, that's why most people don't volunteer for it lightly.

[Ellis's mental state isn't something she really feels qualified to speak on; Wardens are a thing she doesn't have much experience with. Still]

Look, you were in charge, so you got to make the call in the field, that's how the org chart works. I get that. But if it was worth sacrificing someone's life for, it felt pretty fucking condescending that Viktor and I didn't get to even take our chances. Because what, he's new and I'm ...?

[A clear prompt to fill in the blank.]

[ World's worst mad libs. ]

My responsibility, [ no pause, though. ]

I'm an adult with a PhD in my late 30s. The fact that I'm not a combatant by skills or training doesn't mean I'm less committed to the idea that this world deserves better than Corypheus. I know what risks I'm running at least as much as anyone else here does. And if you think I'm just ... I don't know, the Research Division mascot, I think I deserve to know why.

Edited 2022-11-05 03:23 (UTC)

I have eight people on payroll,

[ is a little louder, but it's not anger. A flare of exasperation. ]

So I am willing and happy for you to feel condescended to if it means keeping you and everyone else on my team alive. You're not a mascot, Niehaus, but you're also not a soldier.

Ellis raised his hand.

[Quieter, because she doesn't agree but at least that logic is less actively insulting:]

His life doesn't matter less than ours because the people he works for taught him that his highest calling is to die. I know what I am and what I'm not, but you don't need to be a soldier to offer your life as a magic game token.

Side note, fuck that game, what a bullshit way to protect your shit.

[Mostly a tension release.]

[ He can recognise it, that tonal pivot. It's the kind of off-ramp he always takes when it's offered, but—

A tension, finely rendered in the corners of his expression. Not a lecture he loves to receive, that first part. He does not want to let it stand. He does not want to shout down Cosima Niehaus. Internal conflict makes for a rare silent beat.

Finally; ]

When I say he's a soldier, I'm saying I understand the calculus that goes into the decision he made. Maybe you and I are a beer and a heart to heart short of me feeling the same way about you, but we were in a room.

[ It is not too snappish, when he adds, ]

Next time, we'll do rock-paper-scissors. See how fair that feels, after.

Yeah, I was there. I wasn't kidding about drawing straws.

[It would be easier to just let it drop. She got what she came for: She does understand, at least a little, why Tony made the call he did, and she gets it. But she can't quite let it go there.]

I'm not mad that you care about your people. Way better that than the alternative. But this war, it matters to me, and I think it matters to you, and I know people look at me and...

[she has a brief and wrenching memory of Beth that she pushes away as deeply unhelpful in the moment]

...I was dying. The last time I was here, and at home. And I almost didn't make it until we found a cure, so I had to do the math on what it was important to me that I did with my time. I've been there. But it also mattered to me that a sick person, or a Tainted person, or a rifter or whatever, all of our lives matter. They're all important and ranking them is not something I want to get into, ever.

Edited (typo fix) 2022-11-08 01:48 (UTC)

[ There's stuff in there he could go after, but feels no desire to pursue it. Good thing he doesn't, when she brings up her context, Tony drawing in a breath and holding it, listening instead of speaking. ]

He's my friend, [ after a pause. ] As good a friend as I ever got back home. It wasn't about who's nearer to death than who, who's worth less, it was just—

[ A hand goes out, as if he could summon the word he's looking for from thin air, dropping his hand when he settles on; ]

Trust. I trusted him to take it on, easier than anyone else. Sorry.

You don't have to apologize for having a friend, boss. That's not ... you made the call in the moment, and you got to do that.

[A pause, and she considers yet again just leaving it. It would definitely be easier. But she genuinely likes Tony, even if they're not as close as they might be. And so:]

It's not the thing I was worried it was, and I'm glad it wasn't. But a guy like you has to know that someone like me has reasons for wondering if people read me as soft. It's nice when I'm wrong, but there's been a lot of times I haven't been. Here and back home both.

I hate being wrong,

[ as a by the by. He's different (read: pettier). ]

But trust me when I tell you that I get being underestimated and I'm not a big fan of that either.

[ It's not a fresh source of pain that Tony offers this empathy; if he badly wanted to be taken more seriously by certain Thedosians, he could make the necessary alterations rather than being obnoxiously and constantly himself.

Still. ]

We got out of it alive. And I think it happened out that way because we were all willing to do what had to be done to get the information we got. I'm not gonna forget that it wasn't just Ellis.

[She has noticed that Tony doesn't care for being wrong. It would probably be more obnoxious if he was wrong more often, but that's a thought for another day. Instead, she pauses to take this in. It's quieter when she says:]

I don't know if you know from the files or whatever, but three months after I got here the first time, I was on a field mission that went wrong. We got captured by Venatori. It's not ... I wouldn't have needed any convincing to help, I'd have always done my best to fight the megalomaniac trying to forcibly take over the world. But I've had skin in the game for a long time.

[She exhales, absently twisting one of her rings as she settles on what to say.]

I think all four of us are more good to Riftwatch alive, and I think I'll probably go on thinking that. But I know that it could come to a bigger sacrifice, sometime. I'm fucking scared to die, but if it's that or let a bunch of Nazi-esque wizards led by a zombie with delusions of grandeur take over the world, I can do that math.

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definitely thought i'd tagged this, mea culpa

you're all good